This Nasty Business of Forgiveness

"As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison."
— Nelson Mandela

There I sat.  My finger brushing over the mouse; 'confirm as friend or not', I think.  Facebook is such a simple thing and such a staple of our lives.  We almost see it as entertainment from a long day, chatting with friends online or checking out the latest amusing You Tube item that is sweeping the nation.  But it is almost something more substantial.  It is a community.  Or a microcosm of community as, unlike the world we inhabit, we have the individual power to decide who can enter our cyber world.  And how do we decide who enters our world?  Much has to do with what we know or knew about the person who is asking to come into our circle of friends.  Quite honestly, do we like this person?  Have they done something to us that's the deal-breaker?  Can we forgive, wipe the slate clean, and welcome that person into our world?

As I sat, milling over whether to confirm or not confirm this person as a friend, something occurred to me that I didn't like.  I was not free.  And since this was an old high school alumni that I had not seen in 20 years, I've been captive for a long time. 'I remember you.  You were a jerk to me.  Why do you want to talk to me?' Though I haven't thought about this person consistently, when the request came up, all the memories from high school flooded back.  The other thing that occurred to me was that he was actually interested in contacting an old alumni,  and probably doesn't remember the periodically antagonistic nature of our relationship that I remember.  Why would he want to?  He’s probably carried on, has a family, great career, and pretty good life, overall.  On the other hand, it’s been me whose had his head stuck in the lunchrooms and locker rooms of our old alma mater.  ‘Starting to see, though I see myself as a compassionate and sympathetic person, I am not great at forgiveness.  And not forgiving cripples the potential to grow, spiritually and emotionally.  One of my favorite movies is "Meet the Robinsons".  It circles around an inventor who is constantly inventing.  When an invention doesn't work out the way he thought it would, he either finds another use for the thing or scraps it and continues moving on.  "Keep moving forward" is his motto.  I think most of my alumni have done just that.  Why can't I? 

One of the reasons, I believe, that forgiveness is difficult for me is fear.  'What if I open myself up to that person and they are still the jerk and treat me like dirt, again?  I don't think I can deal with that', I think.  It, also, takes a certain courage to forgive.  And hope.  And faith.  Forgiving is letting the others know that you aren't going to hold the past against them, and trust that the future between you can and will be better and brighter.  Forgiving is rolling the dice sometimes.  What assurance, other than the person communicating or not communicating things will be better, do you have that it will?  It's just the hope that the worst is behind you. 

Living with bitterness is self-corroding.  You cannot be too happy for others because you still sit licking wounds from 20 or so years ago.  Sitting like a dying bird in a rusty cage, while shooting daggers out your eyes, accomplishes nothing.  It is only our fear come to fruition in fruitlessness.  Nelson Mandela stated, and I probably paraphrase here, that forgiveness isn’t for those who ‘trespass against us’, but it is for ourselves.

So, what did I do with the “friend” request?  I pressed ‘confirm as friend’.  To be honest, I’ve never commented on anything that has shown up on my newsfeed.  We’ve never used the IM / chat feature that is on Facebook to catch up.  Though I know his contact isn’t a ploy, it would be tragic to find we have nothing in common in our later years, but we still stay inventoried in our “friends” profiles.  And so we’d risk the worst of fates; being “de-friended”.  Kinda’ funny that, since I’ve been putting this together, I see his latest post.  Maybe I’ll turn a corner, stop the sophomoric passive-aggressiveness, and make a fun, light-hearted “comment”.  Maybe I’ll start ‘keep moving forward’. 

Thanks for listening and I hope this has some meaning in your own lives.  Until next time...